Dear Mclovin’,
Lately my girlfriend has been saying that I’ve been boarding “too much” and not spending enough time with her. I still spend a lot of time with her but I usually put skating as my first priority. I’m not looking to get married or anything right now, it’s just a casual relationship. Any advice?
Max
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Dear Max,
Unfortunately it sounds like you’ve found yourself in quite a pickle. Luckily I think I’ll be able to help you out. If my younger years spent watching Jerry Springer have taught me anything, it’s that managing two relationships at the same time is tough business and often times ends in a fiery ball of shit. But don’t get all depressed though—Jerry Springer has also taught me that with careful reflection, and a “final thought”, all of these problems can be sorted out quite nicely.
Okay, so what we have here is a typical Mistress/Cheater scenario. One of your important lady friends is upset that you’re spending too much time with the other. She doesn’t understand who you’re spending your time with, she’s become jealous, and she considers your behavior a form of cheating. Now don’t get all offended here, but we have to break this down so that Jerry’s legendary counseling can help you out. I’d like to give you a quote from the ol’ Springer man that I feel really applies to your relationship issues. Original context isn’t important—it’s really all about what you take from it:
” . . . Now that doesn’t mean that infidelity has to mean the end of the relationship, but, the forgiving partner must understand why this infidelity occurred in the first place. Because if the problem hasn’t been cured, the cheating is bound to happen again. The question isn’t whether cheaters are sorry; they probably are. It’s if they will do it again and if nothings changed . . . they probably will.”
Let’s break this down further: “Now that doesn’t mean that infidelity has to mean the end of the relationship, but, the forgiving partner must understand why this infidelity occurred in the first place.” In my own personal interpretation, and extrapolation, in the context of your relationship, Jerry is trying to say that you need to explain to your girlfriend how important skateboarding is to you, and why you enjoy getting out and skating so much. This is a preventative measure. Put it out there. “Because if the problem hasn’t been cured, the cheating is bound to happen again.” Jerry further suggests that the cheater must change something in order to preserve the relationship. In your case you might need to take some interest in the things your girlfriend enjoys. A relationship is a two-way street, and if she’s gonna let you spend all day skating you better be willing to put in those long hours at the mall or walking to places that are far away rather than awkwardly skating slowly next to her. “The question isn’t whether cheaters are sorry; they probably are. It’s if they will do it again and if nothings changed . . . they probably will.” Here, Jerry gives you some straight-up real talk. If you don’t do what he suggests your relationship is gonna fall apart with your girlfriend and you’ll end up running away with your longboard. This may be exactly the scenario you think you’re looking for now, but trust me, at some point you may want to wrap your arms around something more comfortable than wood and griptape, and when that time comes you’ll probably be missing your sweet little gal pal.
If you’ve actually managed to read through all this crazy rambling, just remember that Jerry Springer had to resign from office as the mayor of Cincinnati in 1974 for hiring a prostitute. That said, take his advice with a grain of salt. My advice on the other hand; Rock Solid!
Your pal,
McLovin’
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GENERAL DISCLAIMER: The views expressed in this column are meant to be interpreted satirically and not to be taken too seriously. To all you skaters out there, you’re awesome; please don’t take this shit to heart and then try and track me down in some weird internet-witch-hunt. Do remember, it’s all about fun.
Mr. McLovin’
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